“You’re a Trailblazer” my boss said to me this afternoon.
“Great” I thought, another name for someone who has to face the unknown every step of the way. Yep, I understand that uncertainty is the name of life, but goodness, it can be really hard to process.
Tonight, a news line is thrust in my face about a lesbian couple; raped, murdered and burned. The media writes for shock, and that newsline certainly hit home. I think most folks are social, or at least not motivated enough to kill, but it only takes one man and one choice to eliminate or maim a Nation. And here we are.
I do not let crying or depression stop me from standing up or speaking out. I acknowledge my heart, too, and my heart is anxious. I am tired of being outraged. I celebrate that I am not passive in my resistance to the greed, consumption
I am grateful that I meet the right folks at the right time to level up in my attempts to live in a more mutually beneficial relationship with the earth and most of her inhabitants.
I want a puppy really badly. Because I am craving another insane life responsibility to nurture and protect and bond with. Because I have infinite free time to devote to a cute and playful puppy. And so on. I am not going to adopt a puppy yet, because when I consider it head-on, it would be unjust to adopt a puppy. I use the term “puppy” loosely, I actually would love to adopt an adult or even senior, healthy dog. Meanwhile, I cuddle my increasingly independent spawn and enjoy focusing attention on my mate.
Spir°it: Breath of Life
As Imbolc is also known as Candlemas – 40 days after Christmas some religions celebrate the arrival of Jesus of Nazareth to the temple to be blessed and redeemed. It is there that the Goddess Bridghe took him into her arms and under her wing as his nursemaid. Once again, bright flames, it is time to lead the world by the hand (or the ear) to bring balance back into the world and reclaim female divinity. It is with that love, we lift our energies up to become stronger, and unified. We channel the energy of the globe of women who stood up for human rights and we drum and dance and sing to expand it. When we have danced a frenzy, we send it out to the peace-makers, the water protectors, the women teaching, farming, creating in every form, and strengthen the movement into the future. Raise your energy. Raise your voice.
My friend shared a quote by Maya Anglou, saying, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ … There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”-Maya Angelou
It really struck me in a few different ways as I have been struggling this year. Struggling. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I’m in a place of acceptance and gratitude again, but the season is climaxing and if you sit quietly enough you can sense it. I digress.
I responded, “What about the ones who are Learning to love themselves and others as the same time?”
I respond, “What about those who have a hard time loving themselves, but wish to reflect back the love you shine.”
I feel the underlying truth of Maya Angelou’s words, but if love begets love. If love responds and grows and encompasses all it touches (which I see and experience regularly), then perhaps accepting the being’s offer of love, nurturing it and returning it can ripple out in revolution.
I am weaving my shirt. I will use the sleeves to hang my heart on.
Part two: The space we sit in. I have been emptying our space at home of things that are broken, things that no longer serve us. The trick is to not replace it with more things, but to leave space to breathe and play in.
Likewise, I often fill my hands with community work and engaging my young. Not earning a paycheque drives me to work harder to demonstrate my worth. It’s a modern illness that I struggle with. I have decided that I am going to dedicate my extracurricular time to one cause for one year and focus the rest of my energies into my home space and allowing rest and daydreaming and other things that will lead to production. Or into employment, depending on what happens this month.
Part three: I have openly invited folks to come out and help me break concrete on a future date; it’s a reclaimation project to plant drought tolerant plants into roundabouts. I aim to influence the replanting to include herbs. None took me up on it. I am looking for a companion to do random community projects with. Someone to be playful with. Someone who enjoys outside and activity and affection. My wife does many things with me (More so now than ever), and she is an awesome mate. Community stuff is not her bag and she supports my going out and doing stuff. I bring my kiddo with me, because he’s human shaped and wants to be involved in the things I’m involved in. The folks who I meet at the events are generally much older than I am, or monogamous. #polyproblems
And now we move toward the harvest season
My teacher gave me a compliment of the highest order this afternoon. She told me that from our original conversation she had considered me a visionary. Think about that. It was intimidating and flattering and I handled it fairly awkwardly. Because I do. But, it really flattered me and I am feeling like a poser. Here’s to trying to connect the dots in order to strengthen the kingdom.
There are several overlapping areas of my life that light up my “happiness board”. Gardening. Geeking out. Anything my baby and my beautiful wife. Social Justice and intelligent resource allocation (Putting stuff where stuff goes best).
I went to a meeting the other day with a group of amazing individuals who are part of a larger local network, working so hard to bring about the changes I want to see in the world. It’s a mini-Nirvana. They’re the Puyallup Watershed Initiative. (PWI). I’ll post more about the connections later. For now, you should see what they are doing to build Cascadia.
I am feeling the connective spark again and it’s a big sigh of relief.
I’ve officially declared 2016 the year of love. Getting off-line more often and investing time and physical labor into personal and environmental areas of my life. Every year is a year of love, so this isn’t as radical as it sounds.
In a moment of wyld, I hacked my hair off. It was really cute the first day. It takes styling in a way that long hair doesn’t and YouTube tutorials have failed me. I’ve hacked my hair off a few times before and I really like the feeling, but I’ve been asked a few times now what my gender pronoun preference is.
It’s weird. Sweetly weird. Androgyny is a comfortable place, but I prefer the female pronouns and I share as much when asked. Which I have been. Anyway, I am suddenly meeting all these girls who may be interested, or …do you know my gaydar is horrifying. Truly. I assume everyone and no one is flirting, all at once.
Things are going so well on many levels. After many months of practice, Jae and I are communicating underlying feelings to things that normally set us off into a passionate conversation. We’re physically touching more. It’s been a sweet spring. Especially in the face of one big-feeling-toddler. Seeing her become bolder and sweeter and crazier has been fun.
Another change is, as of yesterday, we’ve re-started our whole food diet. It’s such a culinary challenge that brings great rewards. Joey is detoxing from the sugar, already. So, I know we’ve made the right choice. I’ve picked up where I left off and got my benchmark in today as to what my starting point is, physically. The only place to go from here is healthier. I’m excited my wife is joining me in this, as well.
This afternoon I watched a training video on work place violence and bust into tears, so that was special.It took me aback because I’ve only ever once been close to a potential situation with a shooter. In that situation the security guard was able to talk the guy down before things escalated to emergency.
I think the video triggered a lot of anxiety I carry (like much of the population) around making this choice to work and not be close to protect my child from such outcomes that we read about often.Notice I’m not giving into the anxiety, merely acknowledging it.
Jr has been walking around saying stuff like, “it’s lovely to see you, you amayyyzing mummy!”and “Mummy want to build a tower, too?” I have to share that because we just spent a 2 hour period of melt down screaming match over nothing (we could discern), and wait for him to moderate his emotions.
Everyday he comes home from play-school with a “report card”. On his report card they talk about the lesson of the day, whether or not he napped, whether or not he ate lunch and any special notes the teachers may have for the parents. So far the report card says “play, play” or “color” once, but mainly it’s been stony silence. This kid is good at that, even on paper. Today it said, “Campfires!” So apparently we’ve hit on a common ground. Fire. I’m a pretty proud momma right now.
That’s progress, lol
I’ve begun to re-dedicate myself to walking and getting healthy. I have been shedding emotional skins and though I’m feeling a little tender I’m finally ready to share in the public sphere.
Jae is happier than I’ve ever seen her. There’ve been a lot of developments, but mainly they involve waiting on the doctor’s office to contact her about scheduling an appointment with the endocrinologist, who has received the psych eval and gp clean bill of health. *deep breath*
I’ve been nurturing new relationships with old friends and new ones. I’m looking forward to a little time in the woods in the very near future. I’m feeling spread thin.