Beyond Anxiety

“You’re a Trailblazer” my boss said to me this afternoon.
“Great” I thought, another name for someone who has to face the unknown every step of the way. Yep, I understand that uncertainty is the name of life, but goodness, it can be really hard to process.

Tonight, a news line is thrust in my face about a lesbian couple; raped, murdered and burned. The media writes for shock, and that newsline certainly hit home. I think most folks are social, or at least not motivated enough to kill, but it only takes one man and one choice to eliminate or maim a Nation. And here we are.

I do not let crying or depression stop me from standing up or speaking out. I acknowledge my heart, too, and my heart is anxious. I am tired of being outraged. I celebrate that I am not passive in my resistance to the greed, consumption
I am grateful that I meet the right folks at the right time to level up in my attempts to live in a more mutually beneficial relationship with the earth and most of her inhabitants.

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Tidal Wave

My young children are growing. It seems the more independent they become, the more of my interaction they need. I am continuing the resistance training (physical and societal) on a much pulled-back scale and feel quite fine with stepping back from the community to nurture my young. I’ll be back when they’re old enough to be involved and vocal about what matters to them, too.

There is a very wide array of marches, stories, demonstrations, injustices, natural disasters,  battles and more occurring globally. I’ve gone back to school and am re-tooling myself to be an educator…formally…using strategies and my enjoyment of researching to be the best curator of knowledge (this is a phrase that’s been lodged in my brain for the last week), I can be. By way of an example, just this morning , with a wince and a smile, I began planting seeds of suggestions into other teacher’s ears about adding a hothouse laboratory classroom and raised bed gardens to teach the district recommended curriculum with multicultural practices, introducing STEM and agriculture knowledge I want to see it so badly and see what it would look like to raise a generator of students in a more active model than “sit and take”. I want to see what “motivated to learn’ looks like in this generation of elementary school students.  During the staff meeting, some sort of teacher life coach was telling us that the most successful schools were returning to the Socratic method of education. I could only nod.

All that to say I’m just updating the space that has been quiet too long with some context to the radio silence. I haven’t given up my fight or fire, I’m just too tired to blog about it. I leave it to others for the time being.

 

 

They Call me a Catalyst

My teacher gave me a compliment of the highest order this afternoon. She told me that from our original conversation she had considered me a visionary. Think about that. It was intimidating and flattering and I handled it fairly awkwardly. Because I do. But, it really flattered me and I am feeling like a poser. Here’s to trying to connect the dots in order to strengthen the kingdom.
There are several overlapping areas of my life that light up my “happiness board”. Gardening. Geeking out. Anything my baby and my beautiful wife. Social Justice and intelligent resource allocation (Putting stuff where stuff goes best).
I went to a meeting the other day with a group of amazing individuals who are part of a larger local network, working so hard to bring about the changes I want to see in the world. It’s a mini-Nirvana.  They’re the Puyallup Watershed Initiative. (PWI). I’ll post more about the connections later. For now, you should see what they are doing to build Cascadia.
I am feeling the connective spark again and it’s a big sigh of relief.

Pronouns

I’ve officially declared 2016 the year of love. Getting off-line more often and investing time and physical labor into personal and environmental areas of my life. Every year is a year of love, so this isn’t as radical as it sounds.

In a moment of wyld, I hacked my hair off. It was really cute the first day. It takes styling in a way that long hair doesn’t and YouTube tutorials have failed me. I’ve hacked my hair off  a few times before and I really like the feeling, but I’ve been asked a few times now what my gender pronoun preference is.

It’s weird. Sweetly weird. Androgyny is a comfortable place, but I prefer the female pronouns and I share as much when asked. Which I have been. Anyway, I am suddenly meeting all these girls who may be interested, or …do you know my gaydar is horrifying. Truly. I assume everyone and no one is flirting, all at once.

Things are going so well on many levels. After many months of practice, Jae and I are communicating underlying feelings to things that normally set us off into a passionate conversation. We’re physically touching more. It’s been a sweet spring. Especially in the face of one big-feeling-toddler. Seeing her become bolder and sweeter and crazier has been fun.

Another change is, as of yesterday, we’ve re-started our whole food diet. It’s such a culinary challenge that brings great rewards. Joey is detoxing from the sugar, already. So, I know we’ve made the right choice. I’ve picked up where I left off and got my benchmark in today as to what my starting point is, physically. The only place to go from here is healthier. I’m excited my wife is joining me in this, as well.

Continuing on

Our daughter arrived! I’ve been caught up in the sleepless blur these last 8 weeks. I’ve started my seeds. I’m so excited to get in the garden. Jae’s transition has been amazing! She and I both have been practicing empathy and focusing on our feelings in order to stay on top of our hormones and life’s curve-balls.
I hold a lot of gratitude for my life, the good and the bad. There’s a lot I’d love to share, but time is very limited right now. I’ll come back when I can.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I’ll be celebrating in style with my family!

A long time coming

I’m not quite ready to return to the writing-sphere, though I am itching to get back into it, specifically in regards to my permaculture/gardening blog Concrete Connection. Jae has been an awesome helpmate in getting the garden pushed further and further along. I’d lost a lot of motivation there, for a few months.

The one year anniversary of my mother’s death has recently passed, and we’re healing but it’s still fresh. The pumpkin is right on track, developmentally, to be a raging threenager. Ooh! Toddlers are a lot of work! And now we’re expecting a kiddo 2.0 for late January. I’m pretty sure if one kid is hard, two is insane, but we’re thrilled to open our hearts and our arms to another little life.
I’ve got some prioritizing and organizing to do. I’m working closely with my o.b. to keep my health and poppy’s in good shape. (I’m calling kiddo 1.4 “poppy” until we know more about his or her sex – (s)he was the size of a poppy seed when we found out I was pregnant.) But, I don’t have enough energy or hours in the day to tackle every project that sounds like an amazing idea, even with the beautiful and tireless wife’s help. I’m grateful for the harvest season and praying we can get a late harvest out of the garden and sow the seeds for an early start next year.

grains of sand and pearls

This afternoon I watched a training video on work place violence and bust into tears, so that was special.It took me aback because I’ve only ever once been close to a potential situation with a shooter. In that situation the security guard was able to talk the guy down before things escalated to emergency.

I think the video triggered a lot of anxiety I carry (like much of the population) around making this choice to work and not be close to protect my child from such outcomes that we read about often.Notice I’m not giving into the anxiety, merely acknowledging it.

Jr has been walking around saying stuff like, “it’s lovely to see you, you amayyyzing mummy!”and “Mummy want to build a tower, too?”  I have to share that because we just spent a 2 hour period of melt down screaming match over nothing (we could discern), and wait for him to moderate his emotions.

Everyday he comes home from play-school with a “report card”. On his report card they talk about the lesson of the day, whether or not he napped, whether or not he ate lunch and any special notes the teachers may have for the parents. So far the report card says “play, play” or “color” once, but mainly it’s been stony silence. This kid is good at that, even on paper. Today it said, “Campfires!” So apparently we’ve hit on a common ground. Fire. I’m a pretty proud momma right now.

That’s progress, lol

I’ve begun to re-dedicate myself to walking and getting healthy. I have been shedding emotional skins and though I’m feeling a little tender I’m finally ready to share in the public sphere.

Jae is happier than I’ve ever seen her. There’ve been a lot of developments, but mainly they involve waiting on the doctor’s office to contact her about scheduling an appointment with the endocrinologist, who has received the psych eval and gp clean bill of health. *deep breath*

I’ve been nurturing new relationships with old friends and new ones. I’m looking forward to a little time in the woods in the very near future. I’m feeling spread thin.