Christmas Miracles

Since I left the church many moons ago, Christmas has brought me a myriad of emotions.  The oddest being my bursting into tears every time I attempt to sing carols. Well, this pregnancy has brought me a lot of tears.

Tears of joy, tears of anxiety, tears of amusement, tears of anger – I haven’t stopped leaking since week 4. But, all the crying seems to be drying up as I enter the 3rd trimester and we enter the Christmas season.

I found myself singing my favorite carols on the street corner yesterday, while waiting for my bus to arrive. Because I can. And, miracle of miracles, not a tear was shed! Sure, I got a bit choked up during “O Come All Ye Faithful”, but no tears were lost and my voice was clear and I felt good. It was lovely. I may have left behind the church but I love the music, especially the more archaic hymnals. Their sentiments are beautiful.

Either way, I’ll take this gift and be glad.

What Christmas miracle are you waiting for?

A long time coming

I’m not quite ready to return to the writing-sphere, though I am itching to get back into it, specifically in regards to my permaculture/gardening blog Concrete Connection. Jae has been an awesome helpmate in getting the garden pushed further and further along. I’d lost a lot of motivation there, for a few months.

The one year anniversary of my mother’s death has recently passed, and we’re healing but it’s still fresh. The pumpkin is right on track, developmentally, to be a raging threenager. Ooh! Toddlers are a lot of work! And now we’re expecting a kiddo 2.0 for late January. I’m pretty sure if one kid is hard, two is insane, but we’re thrilled to open our hearts and our arms to another little life.
I’ve got some prioritizing and organizing to do. I’m working closely with my o.b. to keep my health and poppy’s in good shape. (I’m calling kiddo 1.4 “poppy” until we know more about his or her sex – (s)he was the size of a poppy seed when we found out I was pregnant.) But, I don’t have enough energy or hours in the day to tackle every project that sounds like an amazing idea, even with the beautiful and tireless wife’s help. I’m grateful for the harvest season and praying we can get a late harvest out of the garden and sow the seeds for an early start next year.

Freedom and Committment

“We’ve come a long, long way together, through the hard times and the good. I’ve got to celebrate you, baby, I’ve got to praise you like I should…”
-Fat Boy Slim

Today marks the 11th anniversary of our wedding day. It has passed so quickly and my love for you is a living thing. Through the years we’ve proven that we work well as a team. Thank you for spending every day finding ways to prove your devotion to me through small acts of kindness. Thank you for helping me grow in meaningful ways. Thank you for helping build a stable and welcoming home.
Reflecting over the last few days has made me realize how beautiful it all is. Our bright and healthy son, our sweet little home and our enduring friendship (even during those times when we seem to use all our creative powers to annoy the hell out of each other), I can’t wait to see what the next 100 years brings.

Thank you, Jae. I love you. Always.

grains of sand and pearls

This afternoon I watched a training video on work place violence and bust into tears, so that was special.It took me aback because I’ve only ever once been close to a potential situation with a shooter. In that situation the security guard was able to talk the guy down before things escalated to emergency.

I think the video triggered a lot of anxiety I carry (like much of the population) around making this choice to work and not be close to protect my child from such outcomes that we read about often.Notice I’m not giving into the anxiety, merely acknowledging it.

Jr has been walking around saying stuff like, “it’s lovely to see you, you amayyyzing mummy!”and “Mummy want to build a tower, too?”  I have to share that because we just spent a 2 hour period of melt down screaming match over nothing (we could discern), and wait for him to moderate his emotions.

Everyday he comes home from play-school with a “report card”. On his report card they talk about the lesson of the day, whether or not he napped, whether or not he ate lunch and any special notes the teachers may have for the parents. So far the report card says “play, play” or “color” once, but mainly it’s been stony silence. This kid is good at that, even on paper. Today it said, “Campfires!” So apparently we’ve hit on a common ground. Fire. I’m a pretty proud momma right now.

That’s progress, lol

I’ve begun to re-dedicate myself to walking and getting healthy. I have been shedding emotional skins and though I’m feeling a little tender I’m finally ready to share in the public sphere.

Jae is happier than I’ve ever seen her. There’ve been a lot of developments, but mainly they involve waiting on the doctor’s office to contact her about scheduling an appointment with the endocrinologist, who has received the psych eval and gp clean bill of health. *deep breath*

I’ve been nurturing new relationships with old friends and new ones. I’m looking forward to a little time in the woods in the very near future. I’m feeling spread thin.

The Sun Rises and Sets

Things have been going sweetly well. I’m up with the sun and junior had an excellent first day of daycare. This morning, the second day, did not get on as swimmingly as the first day. The director said that’s to be expected for the first two weeks. I hate being away from him. It was a good decision for both of us and he does enjoy the new environment and playing with friends.

Skewed perspective

Good news, everybody! Jae came out to her family. She spoke to my family. She went to HR and has begun putting together her medical care team. I’m a proud wife.

For the most part it was a non-event but I am shocked at some of the emotional turmoil I’ve gone through over it. The anxieties that I’ve carried and didn’t even realise include being rejected by the straight community, and being rejected by the gay community. Does that surprise you? Well, I’ve had some less than stellar reactions to being bisexual from women I’ve hit on for their various reasons – none of which had to do with a personal relationship with me. It was a very limited experience (we got married really young), so I’m keeping my heart open to the experiences as we emerge socially.

I can’t imagine what Jae’s been going through, and hopefully she’ll post it out for us all. Here’re the top questions I’ve been asked that I didn’t see coming and have blown my mind. Here are my answers, for better or worse. On the flip side, no one has asked Jae any questions, whatsoever, which we both find really odd. Not even questions like “When did you first suspect/feel this way?”

Are you okay with her seeking out a male partner?!
Wait, what? I said that my husband wanted to transition to being female, not that she was straight. We’re still happy. In fact, I’d say this has opened us up to a new level of intimacy and joy that was missing due to a rather large emotional barrier. On the other hand, as one half of a newly polyamorous couple, If she decides that is an avenue she’d like to experiment down, I’m happy to give her a safe environment to pursue exploration. As long as it’s safe, sane, consensual and everyone is respectful, then, great.

What if the pumpkin gets bullied/teased for it?!
Kids can be cruel….humans can be cruel. Hopefully we’ll find the support system and community to help give him the tools to react in a thoughtful way that will prevent any out of control situations from occurring. He’s blessed to be living in a changing world where recognition is being given to a wider spectrum of experiences than that of the binary gender system we were raised with.
Was this a surprise?!
Yes and no. Based on our relationship there were flags. When I asked her, she denied it and I let it go. It was a surprise when she finally sat me down and had that conversation.

I think this experience has highlighted how out of touch we are with modern sensibilities when it comes to dating/courting/”sexting”. You’d think we were an older couple for all of that but I’ve only started my 30s! Still, it’s been interesting. I feel blessed for the acceptance and love that has met us from our family and friends – most notably my father who told Jae he loved her as his son or daughter.And Jae’s sister who said she’d always wanted a sister and was glad to reconnect.