Spir

Spir°it: Breath of Life

As Imbolc is also known as Candlemas – 40 days after Christmas some religions celebrate the arrival of Jesus of Nazareth to the temple to be blessed and redeemed. It is there that the Goddess Bridghe took him into her arms and under her wing as his nursemaid. Once again, bright flames, it is time to lead the world by the hand (or the ear) to bring balance back into the world and reclaim female divinity. It is with that love, we lift our energies up to become stronger, and unified. We channel the energy of the globe of women who stood up for human rights and we drum and dance and sing to expand it. When we have danced a frenzy, we send it out to the peace-makers, the water protectors, the women teaching, farming, creating in every form, and strengthen the movement into the future. Raise your energy. Raise your voice.

Recognition and Resilience

 

I was barefoot chillin’ in the garden, crushing fragile eggshells left over from our breakfast onto the wet soil housing la verduras (the vegetables) that I had so lovingly sown and protected from seed. I had planted pole runners with the hopes of finding something to let them train up, but had not. The plants were weaving and twining around themselves, so heavy, they had fallen over, but grew on and I learned something valuable. I often do in the garden.

Resilience is doing what one must and noticing the journey along the way.

It is telling stories (true though they may be) to yourself and your family and the divine that you have purpose and hope. It’s embracing the pain and the beauty and the fragility. I’m not breathing easy, by any stretch, but I am peaceful and I am grateful.

Continuing on

Our daughter arrived! I’ve been caught up in the sleepless blur these last 8 weeks. I’ve started my seeds. I’m so excited to get in the garden. Jae’s transition has been amazing! She and I both have been practicing empathy and focusing on our feelings in order to stay on top of our hormones and life’s curve-balls.
I hold a lot of gratitude for my life, the good and the bad. There’s a lot I’d love to share, but time is very limited right now. I’ll come back when I can.

Tomorrow is my birthday and I’ll be celebrating in style with my family!

Freedom and Committment

“We’ve come a long, long way together, through the hard times and the good. I’ve got to celebrate you, baby, I’ve got to praise you like I should…”
-Fat Boy Slim

Today marks the 11th anniversary of our wedding day. It has passed so quickly and my love for you is a living thing. Through the years we’ve proven that we work well as a team. Thank you for spending every day finding ways to prove your devotion to me through small acts of kindness. Thank you for helping me grow in meaningful ways. Thank you for helping build a stable and welcoming home.
Reflecting over the last few days has made me realize how beautiful it all is. Our bright and healthy son, our sweet little home and our enduring friendship (even during those times when we seem to use all our creative powers to annoy the hell out of each other), I can’t wait to see what the next 100 years brings.

Thank you, Jae. I love you. Always.

grains of sand and pearls

This afternoon I watched a training video on work place violence and bust into tears, so that was special.It took me aback because I’ve only ever once been close to a potential situation with a shooter. In that situation the security guard was able to talk the guy down before things escalated to emergency.

I think the video triggered a lot of anxiety I carry (like much of the population) around making this choice to work and not be close to protect my child from such outcomes that we read about often.Notice I’m not giving into the anxiety, merely acknowledging it.

Jr has been walking around saying stuff like, “it’s lovely to see you, you amayyyzing mummy!”and “Mummy want to build a tower, too?”  I have to share that because we just spent a 2 hour period of melt down screaming match over nothing (we could discern), and wait for him to moderate his emotions.

Everyday he comes home from play-school with a “report card”. On his report card they talk about the lesson of the day, whether or not he napped, whether or not he ate lunch and any special notes the teachers may have for the parents. So far the report card says “play, play” or “color” once, but mainly it’s been stony silence. This kid is good at that, even on paper. Today it said, “Campfires!” So apparently we’ve hit on a common ground. Fire. I’m a pretty proud momma right now.

That’s progress, lol

I’ve begun to re-dedicate myself to walking and getting healthy. I have been shedding emotional skins and though I’m feeling a little tender I’m finally ready to share in the public sphere.

Jae is happier than I’ve ever seen her. There’ve been a lot of developments, but mainly they involve waiting on the doctor’s office to contact her about scheduling an appointment with the endocrinologist, who has received the psych eval and gp clean bill of health. *deep breath*

I’ve been nurturing new relationships with old friends and new ones. I’m looking forward to a little time in the woods in the very near future. I’m feeling spread thin.

Brash & beautiful

This lazy evening, with the traffic rushing heavily down the busy road we live on, my wife remarked to me how the plants in the aquarium had anchored and rooted around the heavier boulders adorning the bottom of the tank.

You see, Jae had recently replaced about 2/3 the tank water in a major cleaning of the fish environment. Once the water was distilled and chemically balanced, she added new plants and replanted the plants and re-introduced the fish. One of the plants became distressed and released a number of leaves. Somehow, the leaves managed to put down roots through the muck and algae that encrusted the boulders. I’m quite impressed at this and have no idea how the plant leaves arrived there because they float so freely along the filter-made currents. But, alas, there you have it.

We admired the beauty and resilience of life and the ways in which randomness happens. If nothing else is taken from the experience, it is an awesome reminder that there are always currents and we are resilient.

/philosophical bent

Merging Space

My mother’s birthday is today. she passed in June or July of 2014 – 9ish months ago. I can’t remember exactly, only that it was the 11th. Already those finer details are sieving through my mind and I’m wracked with guilt over it, which glazes voice #3’s eyes over in pleasure. Ammunition to eat me up from the inside.
I breathe.
One.
Two.

Forgiveness. It’s okay. this information is written down. You still remember her smile. You still remember your sweet adventures. You still remember the sound of her voice. She is amongst the loved ones in the land of the remembered. Her song will be sung and shared to your son who was fortunate enough to have met her though he will not remember.

This is just a feeling. This too will pass.

Sexual abuse. It has been a part of my conversations on the daily for the last two weeks. It has come to my attention that I know less than a handful of people who were not sexually, physically or emotionally abused (or some twisted cocktail in-between). We are all working towards appearing normal. releasing our pain and pleasure and vulnerability. We each interpreted our experiences in a different manner, and it’s nestled in the general population’s sub-concious.

We are more than the sum of our experiences because we are destined to adapt and
only by exposing that scar and involving hurt discussions can we begin to heal so we can treat people gently.

I am on fire. I am not alone. We can rise above. We can still choose to heal our wounds and create a beautiful community. Dreams infuse these dark conversations with hope that we can change the conversations to prevention. We need to change our focus to empowering our children to be children and still be aware.

My goal is to find a way to carve a safe space in my own heart and stitch the rest of it together as best I can using love to make it more beautiful.