Things have been going sweetly well. I’m up with the sun and junior had an excellent first day of daycare. This morning, the second day, did not get on as swimmingly as the first day. The director said that’s to be expected for the first two weeks. I hate being away from him. It was a good decision for both of us and he does enjoy the new environment and playing with friends.
My frustration mounts as I enter this new life-chapter. I don’t know why the last one was so short. Or maybe this is just a plot twist mid chapter…
I am re-newing myself through practicing self-care. The next step of my life-quest to “practice what I preach”. As I walk this truly difficult road, a voice whispers in the back of my mind. It suggests that the reason I’m not nearly as successful, as classically defined by the ‘American Dream’, is perhaps, because I’m fat. A couple of friends have alluded to it on a few recent occassions, in completely different contexts and areas of my life I feel “need improvement”. The most recent of which has been slowly stirring a shit-storm of anger. What is so goddamn terrible about being fat? I get it and I don’t. The reasons for being overweight are, apparently, a healthy mix of psychological, physical and environmental factors. This is why the “self-improvement” industry takes off with millions of our dollars every year. We truly do strive to improve ourselves, as humans. In this case, part of my motivation for losing weight this go ’round may indeed be to silence the friends that utter such evil shit in my ear. They truly do so without intent to imply that my very image is unattractive and a hindrance to all I endeavor, but that doesn’t make it any easier to overcome or hear.
I’m beautiful. I’m smart enough. I’m sexy. I have no end of creativity and muse-level inspiration. I believe in raising to a higher conciousness. As such, I am constantly improving my ability to tune in to what my body is saying. I am converting theoretical knowledge into practical knowledge. I have begun to practice breathing exercises that allow me to feel my body and relax muscles I didn’t realize I held tight or tighten muscles that give me better posture and align my spine. I am exploring the ways in which my body CAN move, not unlike a child. I am stretching my body in all the ways I remembe from physical education and sometimes in ways I make up entirely myself while I visualize the muscles and joints as I mentally take stock of each area of my body. I am keeping a food journal (I’ll save the food journal rant for another angsty post, lol) and incorporating exercise into my daily routine. The weight is starting to drop off.
So, What makes this time so different? I don’t know, but I aim to find out.