I want a puppy really badly. Because I am craving another insane life responsibility to nurture and protect and bond with. Because I have infinite free time to devote to a cute and playful puppy. And so on. I am not going to adopt a puppy yet, because when I consider it head-on, it would be unjust to adopt a puppy. I use the term “puppy” loosely, I actually would love to adopt an adult or even senior, healthy dog. Meanwhile, I cuddle my increasingly independent spawn and enjoy focusing attention on my mate.
Spir°it: Breath of Life
As Imbolc is also known as Candlemas – 40 days after Christmas some religions celebrate the arrival of Jesus of Nazareth to the temple to be blessed and redeemed. It is there that the Goddess Bridghe took him into her arms and under her wing as his nursemaid. Once again, bright flames, it is time to lead the world by the hand (or the ear) to bring balance back into the world and reclaim female divinity. It is with that love, we lift our energies up to become stronger, and unified. We channel the energy of the globe of women who stood up for human rights and we drum and dance and sing to expand it. When we have danced a frenzy, we send it out to the peace-makers, the water protectors, the women teaching, farming, creating in every form, and strengthen the movement into the future. Raise your energy. Raise your voice.
My friend shared a quote by Maya Anglou, saying, “I don’t trust people who don’t love themselves and tell me, ‘I love you.’ … There is an African saying which is: Be careful when a naked person offers you a shirt.”-Maya Angelou
It really struck me in a few different ways as I have been struggling this year. Struggling. Emotionally, physically, spiritually. I’m in a place of acceptance and gratitude again, but the season is climaxing and if you sit quietly enough you can sense it. I digress.
I responded, “What about the ones who are Learning to love themselves and others as the same time?”
I respond, “What about those who have a hard time loving themselves, but wish to reflect back the love you shine.”
I feel the underlying truth of Maya Angelou’s words, but if love begets love. If love responds and grows and encompasses all it touches (which I see and experience regularly), then perhaps accepting the being’s offer of love, nurturing it and returning it can ripple out in revolution.
I am weaving my shirt. I will use the sleeves to hang my heart on.
Part two: The space we sit in. I have been emptying our space at home of things that are broken, things that no longer serve us. The trick is to not replace it with more things, but to leave space to breathe and play in.
Likewise, I often fill my hands with community work and engaging my young. Not earning a paycheque drives me to work harder to demonstrate my worth. It’s a modern illness that I struggle with. I have decided that I am going to dedicate my extracurricular time to one cause for one year and focus the rest of my energies into my home space and allowing rest and daydreaming and other things that will lead to production. Or into employment, depending on what happens this month.
Part three: I have openly invited folks to come out and help me break concrete on a future date; it’s a reclaimation project to plant drought tolerant plants into roundabouts. I aim to influence the replanting to include herbs. None took me up on it. I am looking for a companion to do random community projects with. Someone to be playful with. Someone who enjoys outside and activity and affection. My wife does many things with me (More so now than ever), and she is an awesome mate. Community stuff is not her bag and she supports my going out and doing stuff. I bring my kiddo with me, because he’s human shaped and wants to be involved in the things I’m involved in. The folks who I meet at the events are generally much older than I am, or monogamous. #polyproblems
And now we move toward the harvest season
My teacher gave me a compliment of the highest order this afternoon. She told me that from our original conversation she had considered me a visionary. Think about that. It was intimidating and flattering and I handled it fairly awkwardly. Because I do. But, it really flattered me and I am feeling like a poser. Here’s to trying to connect the dots in order to strengthen the kingdom.
There are several overlapping areas of my life that light up my “happiness board”. Gardening. Geeking out. Anything my baby and my beautiful wife. Social Justice and intelligent resource allocation (Putting stuff where stuff goes best).
I went to a meeting the other day with a group of amazing individuals who are part of a larger local network, working so hard to bring about the changes I want to see in the world. It’s a mini-Nirvana. They’re the Puyallup Watershed Initiative. (PWI). I’ll post more about the connections later. For now, you should see what they are doing to build Cascadia.
I am feeling the connective spark again and it’s a big sigh of relief.
Things have been going sweetly well. I’m up with the sun and junior had an excellent first day of daycare. This morning, the second day, did not get on as swimmingly as the first day. The director said that’s to be expected for the first two weeks. I hate being away from him. It was a good decision for both of us and he does enjoy the new environment and playing with friends.
My frustration mounts as I enter this new life-chapter. I don’t know why the last one was so short. Or maybe this is just a plot twist mid chapter…
I am re-newing myself through practicing self-care. The next step of my life-quest to “practice what I preach”. As I walk this truly difficult road, a voice whispers in the back of my mind. It suggests that the reason I’m not nearly as successful, as classically defined by the ‘American Dream’, is perhaps, because I’m fat. A couple of friends have alluded to it on a few recent occassions, in completely different contexts and areas of my life I feel “need improvement”. The most recent of which has been slowly stirring a shit-storm of anger. What is so goddamn terrible about being fat? I get it and I don’t. The reasons for being overweight are, apparently, a healthy mix of psychological, physical and environmental factors. This is why the “self-improvement” industry takes off with millions of our dollars every year. We truly do strive to improve ourselves, as humans. In this case, part of my motivation for losing weight this go ’round may indeed be to silence the friends that utter such evil shit in my ear. They truly do so without intent to imply that my very image is unattractive and a hindrance to all I endeavor, but that doesn’t make it any easier to overcome or hear.
I’m beautiful. I’m smart enough. I’m sexy. I have no end of creativity and muse-level inspiration. I believe in raising to a higher conciousness. As such, I am constantly improving my ability to tune in to what my body is saying. I am converting theoretical knowledge into practical knowledge. I have begun to practice breathing exercises that allow me to feel my body and relax muscles I didn’t realize I held tight or tighten muscles that give me better posture and align my spine. I am exploring the ways in which my body CAN move, not unlike a child. I am stretching my body in all the ways I remembe from physical education and sometimes in ways I make up entirely myself while I visualize the muscles and joints as I mentally take stock of each area of my body. I am keeping a food journal (I’ll save the food journal rant for another angsty post, lol) and incorporating exercise into my daily routine. The weight is starting to drop off.
So, What makes this time so different? I don’t know, but I aim to find out.