Hormones, Dear, They’re Everywhere!

I want a puppy really badly. Because I am craving another insane life responsibility to nurture and protect and bond with. Because I have infinite free time to devote to a cute and playful puppy. And so on. I am not going to adopt a puppy yet, because when I consider it head-on, it would be unjust to adopt a puppy. I use the term “puppy” loosely, I actually would love to adopt an adult or even senior, healthy dog. Meanwhile, I cuddle my increasingly independent spawn and enjoy focusing attention on my mate.

Pronouns

I’ve officially declared 2016 the year of love. Getting off-line more often and investing time and physical labor into personal and environmental areas of my life. Every year is a year of love, so this isn’t as radical as it sounds.

In a moment of wyld, I hacked my hair off. It was really cute the first day. It takes styling in a way that long hair doesn’t and YouTube tutorials have failed me. I’ve hacked my hair off  a few times before and I really like the feeling, but I’ve been asked a few times now what my gender pronoun preference is.

It’s weird. Sweetly weird. Androgyny is a comfortable place, but I prefer the female pronouns and I share as much when asked. Which I have been. Anyway, I am suddenly meeting all these girls who may be interested, or …do you know my gaydar is horrifying. Truly. I assume everyone and no one is flirting, all at once.

Things are going so well on many levels. After many months of practice, Jae and I are communicating underlying feelings to things that normally set us off into a passionate conversation. We’re physically touching more. It’s been a sweet spring. Especially in the face of one big-feeling-toddler. Seeing her become bolder and sweeter and crazier has been fun.

Another change is, as of yesterday, we’ve re-started our whole food diet. It’s such a culinary challenge that brings great rewards. Joey is detoxing from the sugar, already. So, I know we’ve made the right choice. I’ve picked up where I left off and got my benchmark in today as to what my starting point is, physically. The only place to go from here is healthier. I’m excited my wife is joining me in this, as well.

A long time coming

I’m not quite ready to return to the writing-sphere, though I am itching to get back into it, specifically in regards to my permaculture/gardening blog Concrete Connection. Jae has been an awesome helpmate in getting the garden pushed further and further along. I’d lost a lot of motivation there, for a few months.

The one year anniversary of my mother’s death has recently passed, and we’re healing but it’s still fresh. The pumpkin is right on track, developmentally, to be a raging threenager. Ooh! Toddlers are a lot of work! And now we’re expecting a kiddo 2.0 for late January. I’m pretty sure if one kid is hard, two is insane, but we’re thrilled to open our hearts and our arms to another little life.
I’ve got some prioritizing and organizing to do. I’m working closely with my o.b. to keep my health and poppy’s in good shape. (I’m calling kiddo 1.4 “poppy” until we know more about his or her sex – (s)he was the size of a poppy seed when we found out I was pregnant.) But, I don’t have enough energy or hours in the day to tackle every project that sounds like an amazing idea, even with the beautiful and tireless wife’s help. I’m grateful for the harvest season and praying we can get a late harvest out of the garden and sow the seeds for an early start next year.

grains of sand and pearls

This afternoon I watched a training video on work place violence and bust into tears, so that was special.It took me aback because I’ve only ever once been close to a potential situation with a shooter. In that situation the security guard was able to talk the guy down before things escalated to emergency.

I think the video triggered a lot of anxiety I carry (like much of the population) around making this choice to work and not be close to protect my child from such outcomes that we read about often.Notice I’m not giving into the anxiety, merely acknowledging it.

Jr has been walking around saying stuff like, “it’s lovely to see you, you amayyyzing mummy!”and “Mummy want to build a tower, too?”  I have to share that because we just spent a 2 hour period of melt down screaming match over nothing (we could discern), and wait for him to moderate his emotions.

Everyday he comes home from play-school with a “report card”. On his report card they talk about the lesson of the day, whether or not he napped, whether or not he ate lunch and any special notes the teachers may have for the parents. So far the report card says “play, play” or “color” once, but mainly it’s been stony silence. This kid is good at that, even on paper. Today it said, “Campfires!” So apparently we’ve hit on a common ground. Fire. I’m a pretty proud momma right now.

That’s progress, lol

I’ve begun to re-dedicate myself to walking and getting healthy. I have been shedding emotional skins and though I’m feeling a little tender I’m finally ready to share in the public sphere.

Jae is happier than I’ve ever seen her. There’ve been a lot of developments, but mainly they involve waiting on the doctor’s office to contact her about scheduling an appointment with the endocrinologist, who has received the psych eval and gp clean bill of health. *deep breath*

I’ve been nurturing new relationships with old friends and new ones. I’m looking forward to a little time in the woods in the very near future. I’m feeling spread thin.

Skewed perspective

Good news, everybody! Jae came out to her family. She spoke to my family. She went to HR and has begun putting together her medical care team. I’m a proud wife.

For the most part it was a non-event but I am shocked at some of the emotional turmoil I’ve gone through over it. The anxieties that I’ve carried and didn’t even realise include being rejected by the straight community, and being rejected by the gay community. Does that surprise you? Well, I’ve had some less than stellar reactions to being bisexual from women I’ve hit on for their various reasons – none of which had to do with a personal relationship with me. It was a very limited experience (we got married really young), so I’m keeping my heart open to the experiences as we emerge socially.

I can’t imagine what Jae’s been going through, and hopefully she’ll post it out for us all. Here’re the top questions I’ve been asked that I didn’t see coming and have blown my mind. Here are my answers, for better or worse. On the flip side, no one has asked Jae any questions, whatsoever, which we both find really odd. Not even questions like “When did you first suspect/feel this way?”

Are you okay with her seeking out a male partner?!
Wait, what? I said that my husband wanted to transition to being female, not that she was straight. We’re still happy. In fact, I’d say this has opened us up to a new level of intimacy and joy that was missing due to a rather large emotional barrier. On the other hand, as one half of a newly polyamorous couple, If she decides that is an avenue she’d like to experiment down, I’m happy to give her a safe environment to pursue exploration. As long as it’s safe, sane, consensual and everyone is respectful, then, great.

What if the pumpkin gets bullied/teased for it?!
Kids can be cruel….humans can be cruel. Hopefully we’ll find the support system and community to help give him the tools to react in a thoughtful way that will prevent any out of control situations from occurring. He’s blessed to be living in a changing world where recognition is being given to a wider spectrum of experiences than that of the binary gender system we were raised with.
Was this a surprise?!
Yes and no. Based on our relationship there were flags. When I asked her, she denied it and I let it go. It was a surprise when she finally sat me down and had that conversation.

I think this experience has highlighted how out of touch we are with modern sensibilities when it comes to dating/courting/”sexting”. You’d think we were an older couple for all of that but I’ve only started my 30s! Still, it’s been interesting. I feel blessed for the acceptance and love that has met us from our family and friends – most notably my father who told Jae he loved her as his son or daughter.And Jae’s sister who said she’d always wanted a sister and was glad to reconnect.

Merging Space

My mother’s birthday is today. she passed in June or July of 2014 – 9ish months ago. I can’t remember exactly, only that it was the 11th. Already those finer details are sieving through my mind and I’m wracked with guilt over it, which glazes voice #3’s eyes over in pleasure. Ammunition to eat me up from the inside.
I breathe.
One.
Two.

Forgiveness. It’s okay. this information is written down. You still remember her smile. You still remember your sweet adventures. You still remember the sound of her voice. She is amongst the loved ones in the land of the remembered. Her song will be sung and shared to your son who was fortunate enough to have met her though he will not remember.

This is just a feeling. This too will pass.

Sexual abuse. It has been a part of my conversations on the daily for the last two weeks. It has come to my attention that I know less than a handful of people who were not sexually, physically or emotionally abused (or some twisted cocktail in-between). We are all working towards appearing normal. releasing our pain and pleasure and vulnerability. We each interpreted our experiences in a different manner, and it’s nestled in the general population’s sub-concious.

We are more than the sum of our experiences because we are destined to adapt and
only by exposing that scar and involving hurt discussions can we begin to heal so we can treat people gently.

I am on fire. I am not alone. We can rise above. We can still choose to heal our wounds and create a beautiful community. Dreams infuse these dark conversations with hope that we can change the conversations to prevention. We need to change our focus to empowering our children to be children and still be aware.

My goal is to find a way to carve a safe space in my own heart and stitch the rest of it together as best I can using love to make it more beautiful.

Embracing the Pain

I had a dream that I was pregnant with twin girls.

I woke up and peed on a stick and it came up a very faint positive. I was ecstatic.I had all the right symptoms until I woke up feeling fine yesterday. No morning sickness, no breast tenderness, etc. Today, a week later, I peed on a stick and it was negative. I’m sad about it. Sad about the false hope. Sad about the money lost on pee sticks. Sad about the chemistry and hormones that drives us to want to have babies. I have a baby and he’s more than a handful, adding another one would be a wonderful and overwhelming INSANITY and yet hormones keep me yearning. I’m sad for the lies we tell our kids about how easy it is to get pregnant.

I’m all done with that. My mate and I have just come into a new chapter in our lives. I have spent so long nurturing the spiritual and mental that this age seems to be devoted to nurturing the physical.

I want to focus on enjoying the strength, youth, life, and abundance that are currently in our hands. To wade into expanding our tribe and to enjoy our friends, our work and our time as much as we can. I am choosing to see this as a blessing and vowing to never pee on another stick. If we have another baby, we will welcome them, too, but I am past ready to shift my focus back to living and loving.